Flowers In The Window
by Friends Babe
Summary: Adam/Jess fic set after the crash. Adam sits by Jessica's bedside and wills her to come back to him.


_Hello all! This is an Adam/Jess fic set just after their car crash, while Jess is still in the coma. It's a songfic based around the Travis song Flowers In The Window, and I hope you enjoy it :)_

**Flowers In The Window**

_When I first held you I was cold  
A melting snowman I was told  
But there was no-one there to hold before  
I swore that I would be alone for ever more _

It's been me, just me, for as long as I can remember now.  
My parents were gone before I'd even reached double figures, so my memories of them are hardly long and fulfilling. And Alex, brother though he was, was hardly likely to fight my corner should needs arise. Alex was more … he was someone I had to see. Someone who's guilt I had to carry, guilt which reared it's head every time I saw him struggling with the things I found so easy, getting into the car, smiling, talking to people.  
There were always people around me, I was never alone. Alex, my Grandmother, social workers, but I knew, deep down, even then, it was just Adam Trueman against the world.  
I tried to keep this up, and for so many years, more than I'd liked to count, it worked perfectly. I had friends, people who liked me, who called me up, sent me a text, invited me for drinks, dinners, stag nights. The people who sent me a card at Christmas, would laugh at my jokes and probably attend my wedding, but if presented with 10 questions about me, I doubt if anyone would get more than half marks.  
But that's the way I liked it, how I wanted things. I played everything close to my chest, refusing to give anything away, to anyone. Refusing to actually care about anyone, to show any emotions on my face. Because I'd seen what happened when I did. People were taken from me. Better to keep everything locked away.  
Refuse to show emotion and eventually you start refusing to feel it.  
And no one can break a heart they don't have.  
But then, I met you … 

_Wow look at you now  
Flowers in the window  
It's such a lovely day  
And I'm glad you feel the same_

I still don't know how you did it Jess.  
You didn't ask for my number, you didn't ask for my name, you didn't demand flowers or chocolate or attention. You didn't ask for anything from me. And yet, for reasons I still don't quite understand, within seconds of you leaving, I wanted to give them all to you.  
I look at you now, months and years and lifetimes later, stood at the alter on our wedding day, nervously clutching your bouquet, and I still don't understand it. How you, beautiful, sweet, unassuming you, could have pulled down barriers that had stood strong for years, without me even realizing they were crumbling. I don't know why you love me, I know we've not made things easy, but I know that we do love each other. Despite everything else.  
And when I see you glance down that aisle, your face lighting up as you catch my eye, watch me take your walk, and I know I don't deserve you.  
But I will do everything in my power to change that. This is it for me Jess. You, me, our family.  
You are it for me, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you as happy as you make me.

_Cause to stand up, out in the crowd  
You are one in a million  
And I love you so  
Lets watch the flowers grow_

Not many people would have put up with my disappearing act halfway through our wedding – although I know I will pay for it later, that much you did make clear – but when I saw you walking through Reception, clutching your bouquet and our family, I realized for the first time just how much you love me.  
And seeing you in your nurses scrubs, your make-up still perfect and your hair, which you had probably been planning for weeks, scraped back off your face, I knew we were in this together.  
It may not have been how you envisioned our wedding day Jess, I know it wasn't the day I had planned for you, nor the one you deserved, but in all honestly, I wouldn't change a single second.  
Standing in the chapel in the very hospital where we fell in love, the same place where we fought for so long to hide our feelings, shared secret smiles and in jokes, rushed around like love struck teenagers and put long missing smiles back on both our faces. With you in front of me, and our son in my arms, while all our friends watched, I thought I'd burst.  
If I could freeze time, Jess, I'd pause it right there. My lips on yours, Harry between us and Lucas and Amelia front and centre. All the people we love (few though they are) surrounding us. I'd stop right there, as you threw your bouquet in the staff room, as you laughed, as we posed for a million photographs.  
I'll always keep us like that Jess.  
Because despite everything that happened after, despite whatever happens now, for those few hours, we were perfect.

_There is no reason to feel bad  
But there are many seasons to feel glad, sad, mad  
It's just a bunch of feelings that we have to hold  
But I am here to help you with the load_

I don't know why I didn't see the car, why I braked so sharply and swerved so much. I reacted instinctively, and I can only apologize that those instincts let me down.  
I keep seeing it, replaying it over and over and I still don't know how it happened. One minute we were happy, Harry was smiling and Lucas and Amelia were teasing me. We were a family, the family we'd fought so hard to be. Everything was fine. And then, suddenly, the world was upside down and my heart was in my throat.  
I tried Jess, please believe me, I tried. But I know it's my fault, I was the driver, I was the one joking around. But I was so caught up in you, in us, that I honestly believed we were invincible. I didn't think anyone could touch us, not after how much we'd already suffered.  
I know you'll blame yourself, will look for things you could have done better, will criticize every movement you made in that car, but there's no need to. You were perfect. You kept us all calm, you helped me more than you will ever know. Just glancing across at you, seeing your eyes meeting mine and the determined set of your mouth, it gave me more strength than I have ever had.  
I'll be there for you, if that's what you want. I'll listen to your scream, I'll hold you as you cry. I'll allow you to blame yourself until it stops being so raw. And then, together, you and me, we can help each other.

_Wow look at you now  
Flowers in the window  
It's such a lovely day  
And I'm glad you feel the same_

I can see the horseshoe, still attached to the mirror, as we're going down. I see Amelia's little posy, so like her mummys, float by us. And I remember how anything seemed possible then.  
How we once lived a life where love was enough and a blessing in a hospital chapel was all we needed.  
If nothing else Jess, know that I tried, I tried so hard to get us out of there. I did what I thought you wanted me to do, I helped the children first. I did what I thought was best, and sometimes, when I sit by your bed and listen to the slow mechanical rhythm of your breathing, I wonder if that was the right thing. I wonder how it was that I was breathing air while you were trapped below the water.  
I don't have all the answers Jess, believe me, I wish I did, but I know that I love you. I know that we did all we good, and that sometimes, much as we try, our best simply falls just short of what we need it to be.

_Cause to stand up, out in the crowd  
You are one in a million  
And I love you so  
Lets watch the flowers grow_

I know it's all my fault, I know I could have done more, and I know the blame is all mine to bear. I felt the car sinking down and I tried, God Jess I tried so hard, to get the door open, to get you and Harry out, but somehow, I don't know how, I surfaced alone.  
I will carry that with me forever.  
I tried so hard to make it right, I went back down for you, for Harry. I looked Jess, I searched, I tried, but you were there and I had to get you out. If I could have grabbed you both believe me, with all my heart I would have. But there was just you, and I couldn't leave you there, not when you needed me.  
You'll probably never forgive me for it Jess, but I did what I thought I had to do, I saved the woman I loved. I chose you, and I can't regret that. I play the moment over and over in my mind and I wonder if I could have done anything differently, but it always comes back to the same conclusion. You were in front of me, dying before my eyes, and I pulled you out. Handed you over and went back down for our son. I honestly thought, prayed, hoped, that I could have you both.  
But you know more than anyone how we seldom get what we want.

_So now we're here and now is fine  
So far away from there and there is time, time, time  
To plant new seeds and watch them grow  
So there'll be flowers in the window when we go_

I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. Without you here, guiding me. I don't know anything anymore Jess, I'm not even sure if we're legally married, something I should definitely know, but after … after, I just didn't have the heart to check. I call you my wife to every specialist who comes through those doors, yet the board above your head still insists on saying 'Harrison'  
I don't know if I should spend all my day sitting by your bed, if that's what's expected of me, or if I should be downstairs, working, where you'd tell me to be. I don't know if I should go and see Lucas and Amelia, just because I miss them, or if that would be considered inappropriate. I don't know if I should start making plans for Harry, or if I should wait for you. I don't even know how often our plants need to be watered, or what day to put the bins out.  
I was self sufficient for so so long Jess, I coped fine by myself. And then you came along, walked into my life and changed it completely. You can't do that Jess, you can't make everything a thousand times better, make me into the person I always wanted to be, make everything so much more worthwhile than I ever thought it was possible to be. You can't do all that, and then leave me alone.  
I won't let you Jess.  
I've watched you walk away from me before.  
I don't think I'm strong enough to do it again.

_Wow look at us now  
Flowers in the window  
It's such a lovely day  
And I'm glad you feel the same_

I look around your room now, filled with cards and flowers, balloons and soft toys, and I think to how things were. How we both stood in a room filled with flowers and promised to love each other forever. You should be with me Jess, I need you to be with me. You shouldn't be there, hooked up to machines and unable to see how many people love you. How many people are praying for you now.  
I know you're a fighter. I've seen that. You've coped with more than most people are even aware of, and I know sometimes it's easier to hide and hope everything goes away than face things head on. I understand that, I've spent my life living that.  
But I can still see the woman who fought tooth and nail to get her children back. Who had everything she knew and loved taken away from her and refused to give in. Who fought back, and flew to Saudi and came back smiling. I know that person is still in there Jess, but you need to let her fight. It's all up to you now, there's nothing more we can do for you, believe me, I've asked.  
It's up to you.  
I like to think you'll come back, because honestly Jess? I'm not strong enough to cope with all this alone, to walk through an empty house and sleep every night on the sofa because our bed suddenly seems too big. I need you to fight, and I need you to win, I know you can.  
You were always the strong one Jess. Never me.

_Cause to stand up, out in the crowd  
You are one in a million,  
And I love you so  
Lets watch the flowers grow_

Come back to me Jess … 


End file.
